The Quanderhorn Xperimentations

Appendix One

Transcription of transmission from Advanced Lunar Station Q, translated by Gargantua: the Linguaphonic Quanderlator (Estimated Earth date: Saturday 5th January, 1952 – iteration 66)

TEE-POL: Hello? Hello? Is there any [PROFANITY EXPUNGED]there?

POL-TEE: This place is a [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] hole. Can only have been built by those Tellurian bastards.

TEE-POL: Shut your fetid crackhole! I’m trying to send a message, here!

POL-TEE: 400 years we spent repairing that bastard ship! Finally get it working, go out for ten minutes to forage supplies, some [PARTICULARLY LARGE SEXUAL ORGAN]’s nicked it![26]

TEE-POL: I said I’m trying to send a distress message. To save our lives. If that’s all [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] right with you, your ‘majesty’.

POL-TEE: [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] you and [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] your [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] message

TEE-POL: Do you want to do it? Do you want to send the [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] message?

POL-TEE: What am I? Head of Interplanetary Diplomacy all of a sudden?

TEE-POL: Well, not ‘all of a sudden’ exactly, sputum brain – it’s the third badge on your [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] sleeve. Look, it says right there: ‘Mercurian [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] Diplomatic Corps.’

POL-TEE: Well they’d never let you in, would they? You’ve got no [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] diplomacy at all.

TEE-POL: I can be [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] diplomatic. Ask any [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] alien bastard.

POL-TEE: What a load of [REPRODUCTIVE BODY PARTS]! Remember your interview? You shat in the face of the Venusian ambassador.

TEE-POL: For the [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] thousandth time – I thought that was the official greeting!

POL-TEE: Oh, just forget this. The Tellurians aren’t going to rescue us. Let’s just grab supplies and find another ship to fix.

TEE-POL: Yes, then after we’ve spent another 400 years repairing it, you can forget to lock that one, too!

POL-TEE: Oh, I’m in charge of locking the [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] ship now, am I?

TEE-POL: What d’you think that badge is for? A rocket ship with a lock next to it – Put a Chain Round My [ERECT MALE SEXUAL ORGAN]?

POL-TEE: Well, you do have a…

TEE-POL: That’s nothing to [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] do with it! Just snag what you can and let’s get out of here.

POL-TEE: Hang on, there’s a bath here. I haven’t had a bath in centuries.

TEE-POL: Really? That’s not a big secret to me. Or anyone within nasal range.

TEE-POL: What the [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] are you doing?

POL-TEE: Have they got any soap, the dirty mother-[PROFANITY EXPUNGED]? Here – this packet’s got a picture of a bath on it. Must be bubble bath?

TEE-POL: Seriously? You’re seriously going to have a bath?

POL-TEE: Oh. They look like bath bombs. [SNIFF] Smell a bit [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] porky.

TEE-POL: Just [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] get on with it. [SPLASH]

[PAUSE]

POL-TEE: Oh crap.

TEE-POL: What the [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] have you done now?

POL-TEE: There’s hundreds of the bastards! They’re stampeding.

TEE-POL: What are they? What are they?

POL-TEE: It’s a [PROFANITY EXPUNGED] Tellurian trap, the evil scum! I told you we should have blasted the planet to smithereens.

TEE-POL: Stop shooting you dozy [PROFANITY EXPUNGED]! You’ll breach the airlo–

POL-TEE: Look out – it’s going to bl–

TEE-POL: [PROFANITY EXPUNGED]

TEE-POL/POL-TEE: Oh, fuuuuuuuuuuu–!!!