The Quanderhorn Xperimentations

1

Martians have a notoriously underdeveloped sense of humour. The most popular joke on Mars goes as follows: “Knock Knock. If you don’t stop knocking on my door, I will kill you with this Death Ray. Knock Knock. Zap.”

2

There is no direct translation for Waku-Tingg in any Earth tongue. The best we can guess is: ‘Hot blast of wind that can split a rock.’ The other alternative is that Guuuurk simply made it up. This would not be the first time.

3

Named after Mars’ outer moon. Deimos, in Martian fable, visits the hovels of the poor during the Festival of Misery, which occurs 72 times a year, when Martians are encouraged to leave out cake, sweet-smelling herbs and a selection of erotic literature to avoid offending Deimos (the Spirit of War), lest he steal into their children’s bedrooms and sew their legs together. Many parents gaily sew their children’s legs together under cover of darkness to maintain this delightful myth.

4

In Martian myth, Norgar the Loose-Bowelled was a warlord who would only fight armies of women and/or extremely old people. There were, therefore, rarely any spoils to distribute, and his starving troops finally ate him.

5

From Guuuurk’s Report: ‘What the Deimos is that peculiar little braided object Brian keeps rescuing surreptitiously? Is it something he applies to his genitalia during the mating ritual in some way, like the red-hot Barbed Hoopno employed in the Martian honeymoon ceremony? He certainly seems very attached to it (though not in the way one becomes attached to the red-hot Barbed Hoopno). We’re all laughing behind our hands whenever he gets it out!’

6

Clearly, this is one of Guuuurk’s many Martian expressions which fail to translate into any Earth language. Thank goodness.

7

Guuuurk often boasts of his proficiency in various Martian martial arts. Oddly, they are never called the same thing twice.

8

The other members of the crew clearly picked up a number of Guuuurkian expressions along the way.

9

10

This document, a single page torn from Hansard, was pasted in a scrapbook discovered in the Quanderhorn cache. From the rather daringly ‘Gallic’ nature of certain of the snapshots in the book, we may assume it was compiled by Mr Jenkins.

11

The various combinations of Martian raised eyebrows (there are 720 different permutations) are detailed in appendix 4: Martian Ocular Signalling System.

12

In the Professor’s own notebooks, there are many sketches of an ‘Alpha-Matic Sleep-Speeder’ headset, which supposedly compacts eight hours of sleep into two and a half minutes. Some accounts claim the Professor had stocked up on considerable reserves of sleep while attending a Beat Generation interpretation of Wagner’s Ring Cycle, featuring bongo-playing Valkyries in black leotards.

13

14

There are several instances in Jenkins’ daybook where he refers to the warehouse as ‘The Shop’.

15

It’s about time we went into this. Here are the ‘rules’, it would appear, of the Time Loop:

People who die in one version of 1952 are not resurrected in subsequent iterations.

So, although in the first iteration, George VI was the King, succeeded by Elizabeth II, she would remain monarch for all further iterations (unless she were to die) and remain the same age.

In the timeline you and we enjoy, Tufty was not created until 1953, but we can assume from this journal entry that in this alternative time Elsie Mills, his creator, devised him in one of the previous 1952s. Things (and people) that are created in one of the 1952s persist into future iterations – babies, for instance are not constantly born and then stuffed back into their mothers.

16

Bleek, Hairless & Dusty have so far released 22 albums, including such number one smashes as: ‘The Emperor Ate My Family, Made Me Feel So Sad’, ‘Rockin’ Round the Rocks With Rocks’, ‘Dust Gets in All Six of Your Eyes, Unfortunately’, the classic ‘Boy – It’s Hot Here (Except When It’s Freezing)’, and their runaway hit ‘Kill the Accursed Earthlings With Death Rays (Then We’ll Be Dancin’ All Night)’. They were recently inducted into the Martian Hall of Imprisonment For Offences Against The Emperor.

Srce: Fragment from Martian Teen magazine Just 32, edition 4955

17

Bzingador (silent ‘b’) is a kind of Martian Valhalla, where the souls of the bravest Warriors are welcomed for an eternal slap-up meal at the legendary Long Table, at the head of which sits the Lord Phobos himself, brandishing his Mace of Fog, his Orb of Drizzle and his Mantle of Intermittent Showers. Each warrior has a twelve-breasted serving wench at each knee who pops sausages into his mouth, and isn’t allowed to argue, remark upon his personal hygiene or make him shop for furniture.

It is most unlikely Guuuurk would even get to ring the doorbell, as a pit would open beneath the entrance, and cowards and traitors are whisked straight down to Croydon, the Martian Hades. Most Martian historians maintain it inspired the name of the London borough, and suggest that anyone who doubts this should pay a visit to Croyden power station on a Saturday night.

18

Plutonians have a reputation for being the most slatternly and uncivilisable beings in the Solar System. A year on Pluto lasts approximately 247.9 Earth years, meaning the average Plutonian lifespan is measured in weeks, so a Plutonian farmer won’t live to see the harvest he’s planted because it won’t occur for several dozen generations. As a consequence, they can’t be arsed to plant anything, or do work of any kind. Or anything.

19

Translated by Gargantua, the Linguaphonic Quanderlator, at an unknown later date. This document is outside the chronology of the main sequence of events, but it offers an interesting insight into the origins of the Star Clipper and we make no apologies for its inclusion. But we do apologise about the language, and have tried to shelter you from the more toe-curling instances.

20

The atrocious spelling in this reported speech has been corrected for the purposes of clarity.

21

Jenkins often reports he is partaking of a ‘Cod Supper’ when dining with a lady friend. Whether or not this involves the consumption of actual food is a moot point. Certainly, there is no record of there ever having been a fish and chip emporium in the village of Wytchdrowninge.

22

This is doubtless a reference to the great Martian general ‘Groooog the Impervious’: when surrounded on all sides and under siege by the armies of his mortal enemy (and ex-wife) Borbindaxxx the Terrifying, he instructed his followers to eat their own feet rather than starve. It wasn’t an entirely successful tactic, as it transpired that Borbindaxxx had grown bored and left the area with her forces weeks before. And when Groooog opened the city gates to check, a pack of Martian sloth-wolves slunk into the compound. Normally these lazy predators are quite easy to outrun, simply by strolling away at a leisurely pace, but on this occasion the entire army was casually nibbled to death in their immobile state over a period of several months.

23

Yes, it is.

24

There are three species of Venusians: Empapaths, Cheatopaths and Aggro-paths, and only Empapaths are allowed to become salesmen, in order to ensure that customers are not ripped off or beaten up. Unfortunately, an unscrupulous Cheatopath can prey on the generosity of the Empapath salesman, and persuade the unfortunate devil not only to hand over the product for nothing, but a large portion of his salary to boot. The Aggropaths simply thrash them soundly to the same effect. It’s no coincidence that carpet sales on Venus are the lowest in the Solar System.

25

It means literally ‘mushroom in the sandwich’, a reference to a particularly virulent fungus which disguises itself as one of its more delicious and rather less deadly cousins. Once consumed, it immediately spores voluminously, causing its unfortunate host to expand rapidly and explode, usually before pudding is served. Besides spoiling many dinner parties, the fungus was also reputedly the method by which the legendary Empress Bazzzogg the Fairly Unpleasant secured so many successful ‘divorce’ settlements.

26

Presumably, this is Mercurian years, which would be approximately 70 Earth years.